If I’ve not been consistent with my postings about the Squares it’s because I realize, deep down, that as exciting and productive a time it was, it was also a time that I was torn between making music and writing/being a writer, and feeling anxious and confused about my future as an artist and a human being. It’s my main conflict in life, my insanis modum operatio.
I’ve always had two creative urges -- that, in an ideal world, co-exist peacefully and balance out: as a songwriter/musician and as a prose writer, more along the lines of journalist. I love to get to the heart of a story and talk to people and ask penetrating questions so that everybody (including the interviewee) better understands their driving force(s) and why certain things happen(ed).
When I’d do one thing to the exclusion of the other, it took a weighty toll on me. . . which is how I feel this very day, writing a blog and thinking, “Hey, I really want to go through the songs for next week’s gig and figure out a set list and go over them here, in my basement studio, singing along and playing the guitar (or the bass or the ukulele or the autoharp).”
Last week -- when this blog was forsaken, and it drove me nearly wild with frustration because I do love writing and making these posts interesting for my eager readers -- I had a few bad days, which made me want to call in (heart) sick to my life, just for a day.
But some of us can’t call in sick even for a day, because our job is to just be ourselves -- and our very best selves, at that! Dang it.